One of the more recent pivotal events in my life was the decision to end my second marriage. Things had not been going well for quite some time. I admit a lot of that was my resentment over being the only one supporting our family. That resentment became toxic and we grew worlds apart (that wasn't the only reason of course, and I won't run through a list of what went wrong, but that is much of it). It was very sad and painful to see that once great relationship die a slow death.
The writing was on the wall by the Fall of 2008. So much so that I actually borrowed $5000 to give him to move out and find a place of his own. He also finally started working to save up money to move. He didn't actually move out until April 2009 but things were quite cold between us during that time. There were a few good times (like some Pens and Steelers games), but we were definitely not living as married people.
The hardest part of him leaving (for me) was that Kendyl went with him. They were extremely close and she opted to live with him. She stayed with him for about 3 years, but eventually moved back with me. I missed her terribly during those years, though she did visit often. Thankfully, we are now closer than ever!
Moving from our house that we had built into an apartment was also hard. But I was a victim of the whole mortgage crisis thing. The loan I got was WAY to high in interest, and when the market values crashed, I was upside down. My earnings at the job I was at were not enough to keep paying all of the expenses and the mortgage. I lost the house. That is a big regret in my life. Because I worked so much, the house was in horrific condition. I didn't have the time or the money to fix things. It was one of the worst times of my life--losing the love of my life slowly over the years and the home we had built. I did not handle it well. At times I felt the kids would be better off with my insurance money than with me. I felt like a complete failure in every aspect of my life.
Most of my adult life I have taken antidepressants. Having a father who committed suicide and a mom who was chronically depressed, I felt I needed these. During that difficult time I started a second one to augment the first. I think it did its job too well and actually made me a little manic. I recognized this and quit the second one. After life had settled down I quit the first one too. I have been free of any of these meds for about 3 years now and feel fine without them. I am sad at times because I am lonely as the kids get older and have lives of their own, but I hope I never get back to those dark days of 2009/2010.
That time was a huge collection of pivotal events--ending my marriage, my daughter moving with her dad, losing my house, considering suicide. Very sad and scary times. But I got through them, and I am stronger for my struggles.
New Blog, New Content, Same Old Me
5 years ago