Saturday, January 17, 2009


My first marriage was, in retrospect, one of convenience. We were both in medical school and had no time to socialize. We were compatible. Were we "in love?" That remains a question, over 20 years later. But, at the time, all of my friends were already married and I felt like I needed to be too. So I married the guy who I was friends with, compatible with. We used to joke that we were both so busy that we might not even LIKE each other once we had time to really SPEND together.

We were right. After 7 years and 2 sons, we parted ways. But the WHY of our split is more significant than simple "irreconcilable differences." He decided after all those years that he preferred men. I realize after years of counseling that our marriage was his attempt to deny his homosexuality, but he really hurt me and our sons in the process. After we split up, he became very involved in the gay lifestyle and became addicted to cocaine and meth. Due to this, he couldn't keep his job. It was very ugly for a few years.....

I won't go into details of his addiction here in order to protect him since my identity is open, his could be found. It isn't a secret, but it is not my place. Needless to say, after a couple of years of HELL for everyone, he finally realized he would be ruined if he didn't clean up. He went through rehab and has been clean since. We are now close friends and get along great. In fact, I often stay at his house when I am down in his area visiting! I am glad he was able to conquer his addictions and become the wonderful father he was meant to be.

Still, it took me years of therapy to be able to feel worthy of any one else. I felt I had something to do with his choice and that I was unloveable and somehow undesireable. To me, it was worse than having my husband leave me for another woman!! The ultimate betrayal!

Anyone else have a similar experience. It is amazing how many people have opened up to me in real life about these types of things when I tell them my story. Most people are ashamed to talk about it because they haven't come to terms with the fact that it is NOT THEIR FAULTS! Please share and comment!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tumultuous Moves

Have you ever been uprooted? Has your life ever been shaken to its core because of a move? Sometimes the timing of a move is as important as the move itself.

This happened to me between 6th and 7th grade. At the time, that was the transition between elementary and middle school. Our family moved from Ohio to Pennsylvania. Not only was I uprooted from the only home I had ever known and all of my friends, but I was placed in a new school among people who had their own friends and their own cliques already established. For an 11 year old girl, this was a fate worse than death!

I was shy to begin with. Some of this may have had to do with having lost my father at the age of 4 and having to "grow up" so fast. Because of the loss of my father, my mother suffered severe depression, so I was often the caretaker instead of being taken care of. I never had many friends, and had never learned HOW to make friends. My life was centered at home. Move me out of what little comfort I had, take away what few friends I had made over the last 7 years, and I was lost.

It took me a full two years to recover from the move and finally make a few good friends. During that time, I primarily kept in touch with my old friends from Ohio and kept a few penpals. One of the first friends I did make remains my best lifelong friend to this day! She befriended me when no one else would, and we truly became BFFs. I think back now and know it would've been much easier for me if I had not been so shy then. But it was what it was, and the experience helped to shape me. And if it weren't for those few years, I wouldn't have Nancy in my life today. I wouldn't trade her for anything!

I believe everything happens for a reason and that we are where we are at any given time because we are meant to be. It is important in our lives, or in someone elses' or both. This is another meaning attached to PIVOTAL EVENTS. Please feel free to share your stories with me to let me know I was not alone!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

What Are Pivotal Events?

Exactly what is a pivotal event?

In my world, these events are the ones that shape our lives. They are the crossroads, the turning points. Some pivotal events may be more momentous than others, but all are life-altering in some (or many) basic ways.

The first of these events in my life occurred when I was just shy of 5 years old. It was then that my beloved father committed suicide. It would not be until years later that I would find out that he had taken his own life (a 4-year-old has little concept of death, let alone suicide), but the loss of my father was probably the single most life-altering event of my existence. It forced me to grow up way too fast, but it probably opened up doors that would never have been opened for me under other circumstances. My mother diligently saved the money from Social Security and his Veterans Benefits despite having to live like a pauper for most of her life. It was because of this that I was able to go to college and medical school.

The loss of a loved one is certainly one of the pivotal events in one's life, but there are many others: a major move, college, having children, job changes, career decisions, even finding out fundamental things about those we love that change our basic beliefs. I plan to blog about all of these things and would love to hear about YOUR pivotal events and suggestions for future posts.